Hi and welcome to Ask Missy Mondays where I respond to email questions from readers who have questions about their child’s behavior.Today’s question comes from Karen who asks,
“My son with autism is in 2nd grade and struggling with academics along with his social challenges. I am wondering if we should hold him back and keep him in 2nd grade next year. What are the things we should consider to help us with this decision?”
All parents ask this question from time to time–regardless of whether their child has a disability. Some parents hold children back so they will be older when they graduate. Others hold their children back so they will have a greater likelihood of excelling in sports. So, the good news is that you are not alone in thinking about this.
I think there are several issues to consider. Personally, I am opposed to holding a child back once they start school. Thus, if you intentionally start them a year later than their similar aged peers, I don’t believe the consequences are as severe as when you hold a child back once they have started school.
Peer Relationships are Formed
Children begin forming their peer groups on the first day of school. Yes, children begin forming relationships as early as preschool. Friendships formed at that age, can potentially last a lifetime. Once your child develops relationships, it will be detrimental to him/her to lose those relationships. Sometimes the mere separation from teacher to teacher can be enough to interfere with friendships. However, if the children remain in the same grade with different teachers, they will continue to share lunch time, recess, and some specials.
Holding your child back to repeat a grade separates him/her from friends. They must learn to fit in with social groups that have already been formed. They must eat lunch and play outside with a whole new crop of friends. If your child has issues socially, this could be an even more difficult time for him/her.
Child’s Self-Esteem
A child’s self-esteem may take a blow when they are asked to repeat a grade. Children know when their friends move on. Children know when they have to say “I’m in first grade again”. Even if you think your child is unaware, chances are he/she is fully aware, she just may lack the verbal skills to tell you.
Fitting In Size Wise
Depending on the month of your child’s birthday, when you first enrolled him/her in school, and general family genetics, your child’s height and weight (and subsequent puberty) may be an issue if you choose to hold them back. For example, if your child holds an August birthday and you choose to start 1st grade at age 7 rather than age 6 but then a couple of years later, your child repeats a grade, your child is now almost 2 years older than her classmates. Your child could be hitting puberty much sooner than her peers and she could be the victim of negative social attention for it. Moreover, the last thing you want is for your daughter to be the tallest girl in the grade (unless of course Basketball is in her future).
Research Shows Retention is Ineffective
A number of studies have been conducted on the long-term effects of grade retention, including social effects as well as academic effects. The research shows that grade retention does not result in the intended outcomes. In fact, some negative long-term effects include a greater risk of high school drop out as well as poor academic achievement.
Children Know and Remember
Finally, your child’s peers will know and remember that your child was held back. They will carry it with them over the years, “Oh yes, that’s Suzie, she was in 2nd grade with me and she had to repeat 2nd grade”. Children have so many other issues to over come, it seems odd that we would purposefully add another source of stress for them.
Resources
Here are some other resources you may find helpful:
Center for Development and Learning
National Association for School Psychologists (NASP)
Weigh In
I would love to hear from our readers on this one. Have you held your child back? How did it go or how is it going? Did your friends? Teachers and behavior analysts, what have your experiences been?
If you have a behavior question for Missy, email askmissy at applied behavioral strategies dot com.
I don’t agree that a” cookie cutter” answer suggesting that “no child should be retained” is realistic, neither is it always harmful or negative for a child. Each child is unique, each situation is unique. Sometimes retention is the favorable option for a child in the long run. Not in every case but in many. As an educator, in both regular and special ed., I feel that it’s important to consider each child a an individual before assuming negatives. This post only offers one solution….
Thanks for taking the time to read. We are most appreciative when readers make time to post.
We could not agree with you more. Every child is unique. Every decision regarding every child should be made individually considering a wealth of information the parents and professionals have at their disposal.
Thanks again for stopping by and for commenting.
I can’t speak for any of the parents, as you know your child better than anyone. But one thing I would caution, if your child has low self-esteem already, please think long and hard before you decide to hold your child back. I was held back in 1st grade, and it was a pretty devasting experience. Almost on par with loosing a parent. Just imagine that everyone at your job got a promotion except you. Then at the yearly company parties, they rub it in your face about how great it was or made fun of you because you didn’t get promoted. Or maybe they simply kept asking why you didn’t get promoted, and you had to come up with an answer that wouldn’t further embarrass or erode what little self-esteem you had left, by further making light of your inadequacies when trying to answer them. Now take it one step further and pretend that happened to you for the next 12 years in a row. That’s what being held back felt like during grades 1-12. Seeing all my friends move forward, while I stayed behind had a lasting affect on me. I always felt that I could never measure up. I never felt I was ever good enough, always lagging one grade back. I always felt I was forever one step behind them. I always felt I was never smart enough. I still struggle with self esteem and self confidence issues to this day.
I’m not saying all children will go through what I went through if they are held back, but just be careful and make sure your child has a healthy self-esteem before you do decide to hold them back. When councelors or teachers say “your child is only 5, they’ll forget and get over it. They’re too young to know what’s going on.” Do not believe them. I’m 40 years old. I knew and understood what being held back meant when I was 5, I’m still not 100% over it, and I remember it as if it happened yesterday.
Please, as a parent, if you take away anything from this post, do everything in your power to boost your childs self esteem at an early age. Because self-confidence is much harder to build when you’re older. If I had a choice between raising a child to be over-confident and cocky vs one who had no self esteem, I would choose the former. A cocky child can always pick themselves up when they fall and with time, they will be humbled. A child who falls with no self esteem may not be able to pick themselves back up.
Promoting self-esteem, and self confidence in your child is the greatest gift you can ever give them as a parent. The gift of loving yourself. Please be very careful and talk to them before you do decide to hold them back.
-Mo
P.S: I was a November child.
I can’t speak for any of the parents, as you know your child better than anyone. But one thing I would caution, if your child has low self-esteem already, please think long and hard before you decide to hold your child back. I was held back in first grade, and it was a pretty devastating experience. Almost on par with loosing a parent. Just imagine that everyone at your job got a promotion except you. Then at the yearly company parties, they rub it in your face about how great it was or made fun of you because you didn’t get promoted. Or maybe they simply kept asking why you didn’t get promoted, and you had to come up with an answer that wouldn’t further embarrass or erode what little self-esteem you had left, by further making light of your inadequacies when trying to answer them. Now take it one step further and pretend that happened to you for the next 12 years in a row. That’s what being held back felt like during grades 1-12. Seeing all my friends move forward, while I stayed behind had a lasting affect on me. I always felt that I could never measure up. I never felt I was ever good enough, always lagging one grade back. I always felt I was forever one step behind them. I always felt I was never smart enough. I still struggle with self esteem and self confidence issues to this day.
I’m not saying all children will go through what I went through if they are held back, but just be careful and make sure your child has a healthy self-esteem before you do decide to hold them back. When counselors or teachers say “your child is only 5, they’ll forget and get over it. They’re too young to know what’s going on.” Do not believe them. I’m 40 years old. I knew and understood what being held back meant when I was 5, I’m still not 100% over it, and I remember it as if it happened yesterday.
Please, as a parent, if you take away anything from this post, do everything in your power to boost your child’s self esteem at an early age. Because self-confidence is much harder to build when you’re older. If I had a choice between raising a child to be over-confident and cocky vs one who had no self esteem, I would choose the former. A cocky child can always pick themselves up when they fall and with time, they will be humbled. A child who falls with no self esteem may not be able to pick themselves back up. Promoting self-esteem, and self confidence in your child is the greatest gift you can ever give them as a parent. The gift of loving yourself. Please be very careful and talk to them before you do decide to hold them back.
-Mo
My daughter is autistic and in 3rd grade. However I am told because she has an iep and the District doesn’t think she will ever achieve the level of her peers she may not be held back but pushed forward. Even though she progresses much slower than her peers but still progresses. I am told that instead of holding her back they will wait for transition services when she is much older. I was told she will not most likely go to college or be able to have a higher education. I personally don’t think it’s at all ok to limit any child she is only 9 and in 3rd grade. Why can’t she have more time to progress? The district just wants to pass her label her and stunt her education. I need help. I am so tired of hearing what her limitations are and what she can never do. I am so tired of being told that they can’t fully measure her intelligence and they don’t know all of what she retains from class. So they will just put her forward.